A writer's reflection on Solo RPGs - Discovering Yourself

The tale of how I started with solo RPGs, and what it's come to mean to me.

Let's get somethin' straight. I'm a little bit crazy.

Heya. Name's Sophie. I'm one of those gals who's always had a big imagination, but never even dreamt of goin’ anywhere with it. My environment and circumstances conspired to content me with video games, Discord, and the occasional anime. There were flashes of brilliance, 'a course. A detailed passage describing my RimWorld game, or a small sketch of someone with a sword. But these were all one-offs. Fleeting assurance of some latent brilliance, as I sank deeper into apathy.

Faceclaim. No pictures, she’s my transition goal. 🏳️‍⚧️

Then COVID happened. Then my house burnt down. And then my best friend fucking killed herself. The grief must've shattered me, as I spent three years in a psychotic break.

I can only imagine where I'd be, for want of a nail. Perhaps I'd still be stewing in sadness. But those miserable years taught me a hard lesson: Only you can realize your true potential.

What's this gotta do with solo RPGs? Oh, not much~. They're simply the axis around which I've rebuilt my entire life, and sense of self.

Let me explain.

Call to adventure

I rather loved playing RimWorld. If you haven't heard, it's a 2D top-down colony sim with realistic mechanics and customizable characters. I liked to make little versions of myself and my internet-friends, and build the happy lives we'd all been deprived of. "My own little dollhouse", as I lovingly termed it.

It can be a very comfy game. Shoutout to u/TyphoonOfEast on Reddit.

When my house went up in smoke, my gaming PC went with it. Months later, deep in psychosis, I got an idea. I'd use TTRPGs to simulate the game, on pen and paper!

Little did I know, I’d put myself on the path I travel today.

The Hero's Journey

The first thing I felt upon recovering my reality was unbridled happiness. The second thing was regret.

I'd lost half of my twenties. Spent thousands on stuff that I'd just throw out. I'd grieve for weeks, feel the fury seep into my soul. But I knew I'd have to push it all aside, do my best with what I had.

The clearest path forward was writing again. And solo RPGs had everything I'd need.

Discovering your Inner Universe

Turns out that tabletop games are great inspo for writers. Grab a splatbook or setting guide, and you've got a ready-made context for any story imaginable. All's you gotta do is pick one that speaks to you.

There were plenty of mistakes 'round this time. My friend Tayruh, much as I adore his writing, had an addiction to books about writing, and till recently spent a great deal of time discussing theory instead of writing a damn session. Attempts to emulate that were futile. As were the writing-advice books themselves, which leaned heavily on tropes and formulae dressed up as profound revelation. I did rekindle my hyperphantasia after a month or so, but this was useless if I couldn't make an appealing character.

So I paused, took a breath for six months. Sought to understand why I was doing this.

I've seen a lot, in my time. Growing up in the Rust Belt, amongst decrepit buildings and empty factories, I'd see beggars with missing limbs, adrift in apathy much like mine. It wasn't all bad, though. My schoolmates and colleagues exposed me to all manner of ever-evolving slang, and impressed upon me a lifelong love for language. In college, I'd adopt a southern accent just for fun, despite livin' in the ghettos of greater NYC. Developed this deep appreciation for other people, in spite of their flaws. And the gunshots in the distance. When I hurt myself right after graduating, the loneliness was cushioned by my gregarious presence on the internet. The only place I'd ever felt like myself.

Taken into account, alongside the terror of COVID and the world goin' to hell, my inner universe coalesced around the media I'd consumed. Books like Neuromancer, movies like Blade Runner, and Gun Metal Games' Interface Zero. I realized my experience was worth sharing. I had something to say.

The Skinny

If you're struggling with self-confidence, self-esteem, self-sabotage or the like; I'd highly-highly recommend tryin' solo RPGs. For me, it's not just a hobby, it's a challenge to explore the world, understand others, reconcile with your past, and embody your true self.

That's all for now. There’s plenty more I wanna cover, perhaps another time. If you've played solo games, or had similar experiences through other forms of art, I'd love if you commented below. Take care, y’all.

- Sophie